Well, then.

S: Momma, could you go hang out in your room?

Me: (indignantly) Pardon me?

S: I just want to hang out by myself for awhile. I still love you.

M: … Ok. I could use a little alone time, myself.

S: Thanks, momma. I’ll come and get you in a little bit to hang out.

(I’m standing there, staring at her) 

S: (impatiently) Momma … Bye! (dismissively shoos me with her hand)


I May Want To Cool It

With the  silly accents.  The child rolled up on me out of nowhere, karate chopped my arm, & commanded me “Yoo no toucha da rraptop!”

She’s got that right


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Today, I was attempting to get some loves from the little, who is nearly five and too grown for such nonsense.

M: Come here, let’s have a contest and see who can hug the longest!  (This piques her interest, as she’s all about competition.)

*We hug for about 20 seconds, and she starts to pull away*

M: Don’t let go! I’m winning!
S: (With her serious face on) Momma, it’s a HUG. We’re BOTH winning.

Nothing I could say to that.

On Death


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Last night, as I’m putting some books up on my bookshelf:

S: Momma, what are those black books about? (Gesturing to a many years old set of Time Life Paranormal books.)
M: Oh, they’re about … ghosts and silly stuff like that.
S: OH! I don’t like ghosts, ghosts are scary!
M: Boo, there’s no reason to be afraid of ghosts.  Ghosts are just like … the spirits of people who have died, coming back to say hello.  They’re not scary at all.
S: Oh. Okay momma.

About three minutes elapses.

S: Mommy, when people die, don’t they just turn into zombies?
M: (Attempting to hide my complete and utter shock) Um … WHAT? (Failing miserably)
S: I thought when people died they just became zombies.
M: Babe, where … who told … how did zombies even POP INTO YOUR HEAD?!?
S: (Shrugging) No one told me, I just thought that was what happens. Nevermind, then.

And she went back to watching Elf.

The Inner Tickings of Little Minds


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I’ve been teaching the child about time. Time passing, bedtime, homework time, time it takes to get ready in the mornings. In support of this, I picked up a small Princess Belle digital watch at the dollar store. She’s been wearing it proudly around for a couple days, and gradually beginning to understand how it all works. She’s gone from the first hour “Momma, there’s something wrong! The numbers are different than the ones you put in!” to matching it against all the other clocks in the house, alerting me when there’s a difference. Last night took the cake.

M: Babe, your watch says 8:24 now, that means eight-twenty-four. Your bedtime tonight is nine, so when your watch says nine-oh-oh, it’s time for sleepies, ok?
S: Ok momma, I’ll keep an eye on it so I know when is bedtime!
*Time goes by, I repair to the back porch to take a phone call*
S: (beating on the sliding glass door) MOMMA! MOMMA!
M: (thinking the world is ending) What? What? What’s going on, baby?
S: There is something wrong with this watch! This watch is broken, because the minutes are going WAY too fast! So I threw it.
M: Hold on, hold on. You thought the watch was broken because the minutes are going too fast?
M: What did the watch say? (Checking my cell to see the time)
S: It said eight-five-oh, and that is too close to nine-oh-oh and bedtime! There is no way it is bedtime!
M: So … you threw the watch?
S: Yes! It was broken. So I threw it in the trash.
M: (repressing hysterical laughter) Ok babe. That’s alright then. I’ll be inside in a moment and help you get ready for bed.
S: (departs, only to return about 1.5 minutes later) Momma?
M: Yes, baby?
S: Momma, I was thinking. Don’t buy me any more watches, ok?
M: Ok babe, no more watches.

Well of course, Captain Obvious


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S: Momma, I just looked outside, and it is WINDY!
M: Yes, baby, it sure is. And COLD!
S: Well, when it’s windy, that meeaannsss … I like to goooooo … to theeee … PARK!
M: Oh, baby, no. It is WAY too cold for the park!
S: But, I’ll bring a jacket! And I’ll run around a lot, so my body will stay warm.  Don’t worry!
M: No no, I meant – it is too cold as in, MOMMY doesn’t want to be that cold! Brr!
S: Well then YOU bring a jacket.

Holiday Talk, Pt 3


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During dinner:

S: Momma, I renembered another song. It goes:
We wish you a merry Christmas
We wish you a merry Christmas
We wish you a merry Christmas
From the bottom, of our haaaaaaarrrrrtssssss

S: Did I confuse that one, momma?
M: No, baby, that was perfect.


Holiday Talk, Pt 2


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Me:Baby boo, did you have a good day at school today?
S: Oh, yes mommy! We learned a whole bunch of Christmas songs!
M: Oh yeah? Sing me some!
S: Well, I can’t renember (yes, that’s how she says it) them right now!
M: (from past experience) Ok, well, think on it while I make us dinner.  Maybe you can sing them to me later.

(About 15 minutes goes by)

S: Take off the red nose, take off the red  nose, little deer.
The other deers  didn’t like him, they calls him names and laugh.
Put on the red nose, put on the red nose, little deer.
The other deers said hooray, we like you!
M: Is that one of the songs you learned today?
S: Yes, momma, Here, it goes like this:
Take off the red nose, take off the red  nose, little deer.
The other deers  didn’t like him, they calls him names and laugh.
Put on the red nose, put on the red nose, little deer.
The other deers said hooray, we like you!
M: (stifling giggles) Babe, I’m not sure I know that one, can you sing it again?
S obliges.

M: I think I know this song.  Is it:
Rudolph, the red nosed reindeer, had a very shiny nose
And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows.
All of the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names
They never let poor Rudolph, join in any reindeer games.
Then one foggy Christmas eve, Santa came to say
Rudolph with your nose so bright
Won’t you guide my sleigh tonight?
Then how the reindeer loved him, as they shouted out with glee,
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, you’ll go down in history.
S: (In hysterics) Yeah, momma, I sure messed the words up on that one, huh?

The Kleenex Rationale


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I rarely buy “Kleenex” brand tissues. Yes, they are a little spot of heaven on a chapped, raw nose – but OH, so expensive! Those are my tissues of last resort, the tissues I turn to when the softest of tp is like sand paper.

A few days ago, on a whim, I bought a box of Kleenex Cool Touch tissues.  I didn’t need them, we aren’t that sick here in this house.  The name, though … Cool Touch.  How had modern science endeavored to make a paper product have a temperature?  Soon after getting them home, I did find a need to use one. And wouldn’t you know it – they ARE cool to the touch! They feel wonderful and soft against my face. Cool, velvety, and somehow moist.  Mmmm.

The next day, the box was nowhere to be found.  Now, the child has a permanent fort, created by limitations of furniture arrangement in my small condo. There’s a place, between the sofa and the poofy chair, where she hides and plays, reads books and creates fantasy lands where Princesses always win, and always get their wishes. It was there that I found the now nearly-empty box of tissues, contents strewn about haphazardly amongst Belle and Cinderella, Mrs Potts and the Wise Owl.

M: Baby! Why are all the tissues out of the box?  Those are only for blowing our noses.
S: Well, mommy, I DID need to blow my nose.  But the first tissue I took out was cold and wet! So I took another one out, but it was cold and wet too! So instead I took them all out and spread them out so they could dry for you, so if you need to blow your nose, you can have a nice dry tissue.

*sigh* My girl is endlessly sweet, and thoughtful. And thankfully, it was JUST a box of tissues, easily stuffed back into the box.  Explaining Cool Touch to her was easier than I had anticipated; her grasp of science is such that she accepted fully that “that’s just the way these tissues are made, to feel nice on our faces.”

*Note to self: Expose the child to the finer things in life, such as Kleenex brand tissues, more often.  This level of complete puzzlement should not exist for her. 

Holiday Talk (Pt. 1) … because I’m SURE there will be more.


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Me: (Tossing breakfast dish into the sink, then walking away without rinsing it).

S: Momma, you should rinse the dish. You said the kitchen will only stay clean if you rinse the dishes right when we use them.

M: I know, I know. Mommy just doesn’t FEEL like it right now. I’ll rinse before we go out and about this morning.

S: Momma … I’m worried about this.

M: Pumpkin, I assure you, nothing bad is going to happen to us if I rinse the dishes half an hour from now, instead of now.

S: Well, you said Santa is always watching. You said it when I said I didn’t want to clean my room right now.

M: (silently cursing myself) *sigh* That’s true, baby, I did say that.  And I’m still not going to rinse the dishes right now.

S: (arms crossed, huffing loudly) Well then, I sure don’t want to know what’s going to be in YOUR stocking this year!